i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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