whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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