She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
