my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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