I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
