Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
