It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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