no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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