It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize