She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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