did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
