i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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