and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
