walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I need a beard to bite.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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