Don't make out with my wife yet
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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