i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
