Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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