I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize