I could make wine with my vomit
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I have feelings that need drinking.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
