i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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