The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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