His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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