Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think a kid would responsible me up
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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