I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Sorry about my life...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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