Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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