My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
