every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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