no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Who died my cat blue again?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
