I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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