Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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