I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
