Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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