i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize