you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize