someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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