yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
