I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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