you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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