Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
