Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
