Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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