I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
