there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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