my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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