apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
