cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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