guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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