Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
