Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
