I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
