I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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