What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
