I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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