Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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