there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
