Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She's the barista slut.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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