is your mom at the bar?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
