i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
