I wish I only lived at night.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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