at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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