I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
