i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
