I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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