i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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